I was at the grocery store the other day. I was buying black-eyed peas and feta cheese for dinner. The woman behind me was buying popcicles, whipped cream, ice cream, and brownie mix. Her daughter, who was around three, put their items onto the checkout counter and mixed them in with my peas and feta. The woman apologized, smiled sheepishly and told her daughter not to mix their stuff up with my healthy food. Then she looked me in the eye meaningfully and let me know that this was not their usual fare…it was a special occasion.
Like I give a mouse’s fart what the neighbors are buying at the grocery store. (I really wanted to say mouse’s fart. I’m giggling right now.) It’s interesting, because usually at that market I’m buying root beer and chocolate bars. I suppose you could say my healthy choices there were a special occasion as well. It makes me wonder, if the tables had been turned, and we would have been shopping normally, would that woman have judged me for buying chocolate and root beer? Or would she smile knowingly and slide her organic, locally grown radish bunch over to make room?
How much time do we waste feeling judged by other people? How much time do we waste judging others? I’m tired of feeling like I “should” be doing something other than what I’m doing. Who actually decides what people “should” be doing? Or is it just one of those things that everybody thinks everybody else is thinking?
I’m reading a book called Notes from the Underground: Zines and the Politics of Alternative Culture by Stephen Duncombe. In the chapter Work Duncombe quotes Karl Marx’s son-in-law Paul Lafargue from an essay called The Right to Be Lazy:
The proletariat must trample under foot the prejudices of Christian ethics, economic ethics and free-thought ethics. It must return to its natural instincts, it must proclaim the Rights of Laziness…
Commercial break while I look up proletariat…………Proletariat=workers/working class people or the lowest class of citizens in ancient Rome. Ah. Duncombe goes on:
In the era since World War Two, a stable and meaningful career has been considered a birthright for the white middle class. In the past few decades, however, the availability and quality of jobs has declined. What growth there has been has occurred in the service sector and sales, and in management and the professions. The former provide dead-end jobs, while the latter demand long hours and commitment to the corporate world, and are fiercely competitive–yet offer little security.
In rebellion against a culture that glorifies the work ethic with silly football-coach aphorisms such as “Winners don’t quit and quitters don’t win,”…zine writers celebrate quitting. The Quitter Quarterly, edited by Shelly Ross and Evan Harris, gives advice to the prospective quitter: not only quit things yourself but revel in it:
‘Tell everyone you know that you have quit. Because of the stigma attached to quitting, many quitters deny themselves the pride and gratification of quitting…Send reminders, call [friends] to discuss the circumstances of your quitting, invite people to your house and dwell on whatever you quit.’
Now, this section is all about work and jobs. But I think it applies, within reason of course, to grocery buying too. And body image. And measuring intelligence. All of these things fall under the influence of negative dualistic thinking. One is right and the other is wrong. Nobody likes to be wrong, but you might have to get used to it, at least until it disappears.
The great majority of us are required to live a life of constant duplicity. Your health is bound to be affected if, day after day, you say the opposite of what you feel, if you grovel before what you dislike, and rejoice at what brings you nothing but misfortune. ~Boris Pasternak
It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. ~e.e. cummings
I honestly never pass judgments on what people are buying. I do however think “Damn, either they have food stamps or their loaded…I wish I had food stamps…” when people buy great quantities of anything. Maybe that just makes me highly selfish, maybe it makes me open minded. Either way it makes me proud that I don’t judge. Eat what you want to eat, people of the world! This girl doesn’t care!
I quite frequently make check out line judgements, both of myself, and others. ‘look at the fresh beets’, I think proudly, ‘nestled in with a bag of organic short grain brown rice.’ and with shame I place the Glad trash bags, and artificially scented detergents onto the conveyor. Dissonance and shame. I do take pride in my compositions. And judge others from a vantage of benevolence.
They say that knowing is half the battle (“they” being wise people who we don’t know because they live in other cities far away). Good luck with the other half, hootenanny.
very interesting article. The right to laziness is an interesting thing: i love the quote ‘man can achieve anything in the world as long as it isn’t what he is supposed to be working on.’ true here to: we are boxed within someone group definition of what we should be doing, of what is smart and sensible and ‘productive’ and it does not lead us to greater things but to monotony. But is that true for all? Are there sheep and shepherds or are we all capable (and longing) for something else, not more necessarily, just else.
On another note, for the longest time I would ceremonially quit my job every two-three years or so and go nomadic for a year or so. This happened three times including a year long drive around Australia, six months sailing in the Caribbean, and a drive from NY to alaska.
All good and well till I ‘quit’ that lifestyle and tried something else, met someone, got married, bought a house. Now the marriage thing I like, but the rest of it: anchors. Not unquitable, but the roots are harder to pull. Are you true quitters? Have any advice? Have you ever had quitter’s remorse over such large things or had to do a compound quit, or catalyst quit?
Wow, good question. I just wrote a response and had to delete it because I wasn’t sure if it was true:) There might be true sheep in the world, but I doubt it. I think that most people long for freedom from their own anchors, whatever they may define them as. My anchors are my anger and grievances that I hold toward other people when they don’t behave the way I think they should. Hard to let go of…
I do think though, that being the type of person you are (a free travellin’ bird), you should definitely check in with your partner and devise a plan, one that can hopefully meet both of your needs (a golden solution my counselor calls it) or else you run the risk of becoming resentful and angry…and that’s no fun for anybody involved. You say it’s not unquitable…I say start talking about it.
Hmm, I have been listening to my own little self-judgemental dialog myself and have been rebelling in my own little way. I have had a little “should exercise” voice since, well, for a long dang time. If I actually get the courage to exercise, then I haven’t biked far enough, I am too slow, too tired, too bla bla. But this week, this week is new. I have a little affirmative voice saying things like, “It doesn’t matter how long you swim laps, just swim till you want to stop, water feels nice” and “I like biking slowly” and “I always walk my bike up hills, why not walk at a comfortable pace?” And by gum, I’ve been exercising every day this week. It’s nice when the Mr. Rogers voice kicks in, the voice that loves what you are doing exactly as you are doing it. Mr. Rogers is so much nicer than Mr. Judgemental Jerk.
Ha! True! I love being nice to myself. I’m glad to hear that you are too…It’s so much more restive. (Is that a word?)
meece ferts….he he he
Of course. Meece ferts are the best.